if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
how drunk are you?
Several
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
