well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
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