This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
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