you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
Randomize
