cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
I would reevaluate a bf who is happy with other guys doing me.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Randomize
