Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
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