Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
Define "chronic" masturbator.
she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
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Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
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I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
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