Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Randomize
