ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
