im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Randomize
