I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
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