My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
Randomize
