I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
Randomize
