why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
Randomize
