tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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