i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
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