Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Randomize
