i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
i just sent this text using only my big toe
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
Randomize
