K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
Randomize
