The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
