if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
The ass gains better be worth it
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