Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
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