I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
what kind of vibe do I give off that a guy i've never hung out with thinks its okay to send me a picture of his ball cleavage?
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
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