I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
Randomize
