Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
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