I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
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