she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize