I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
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