You just made me feel so damn special
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
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