I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Randomize
