hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
Randomize
