We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
Randomize
