Ps there is totally a drug addled prostitute in olympic pizza asking for change for a 100 bill
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
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