Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
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