Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
yeah but I shoulda known it\'d be bad when he start rubbing my pubic bone instead of the clit! Awkkkkwarddd
So today I found out that our school is known as the herpes school
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
