i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
It's a yes or no question.
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
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Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
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I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.