I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
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