I accidentally burped into my bong.
No jewlry, no bra, and no pen. I couldnt be more prepared for a friday morning class.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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