You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Randomize
