I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Randomize
