What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Randomize
