I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
