The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
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