So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
There's always time for handjobs
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
Randomize
