Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
