fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
Pre-drinking/conditioning my liver for this impending hurricane party associated with cat. 2 hurricane Irene. Be ready to roll in a weather channel minute.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Randomize
