We're facebook friends in real life
i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
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