I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
