I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
Randomize
