Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
Alive.
So much puke
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
Randomize
