The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
Randomize
