I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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