How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Randomize
