Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
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