we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
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