My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
The best revenge is premature balding
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
Randomize
