I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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